Building Resilient Students: Tips From Dr. Friendtastic

Featuring Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, clinical psychologist and friendship expert

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School has been in session for most of us for at least a month if not more. Hopefully, that means the dust has settled on the new school routine and things have started settling down. We tend to focus a lot on going back to school (I did a couple of posts about it that you can read here and here) yet there’s still so much to navigate throughout the school year.

Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore aka Dr. Friendtastic

I’ve been following Dr. Friendtastic for quite some time. Even though my kid isn’t quite at the age yet to form deep friendships and learn social diplomacy, I’ve always enjoyed hearing the kids who call in with their friendship woes and learning from the wisdom Dr. Friendtastic provides. It’s a wholesome Dear Abby for kids and I LOVE it. Frankly, it’s helped me (an adult who obviously knows everything there is to know) approach tricky friendship situations.

So I was thrilled when Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, aka Dr. Friendtastic, agreed to share her thoughts on how we can help kids figure out the social and academic dynamics they encounter over the school year.

Dr. Kennedy-Moore is a clinical psychologist and mom of four based in New Jersey. Her childhood moving to different countries helped fuel her passion for supporting kids in navigating friendship and social dynamics. Dr. Kennedy-Moore has been featured many times in major media, including Live with Kelly and Ryan and The New York Times. She recently published her latest children’s book Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions about Friends and Other Kids* which pairs well with her previous book, Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide To Making And Keeping Friends*. You can read my thoughts about both books at the end of this newsletter!

How do we support kids who are still adjusting to school?

Children’s biggest concern in the new school year is often, “Will I have a friend in my classroom?” As parents, one way we can help is by encouraging positive expectations.

When my children were young, I used to tell them, “Somewhere in your new class is a kid who’s just waiting to be your friend!” When they were very young, they’d ask, “What does he look like?” or “What’s her name?”

And I’d say, “I don’t know. You’ll have to figure that out.” Then we’d talk about what some clues might be. Maybe that kid would smile at them or play with them. Being on the lookout for signs of friendliness helped them be open to friendship and be ready to respond in kind.

They’d also feel proud when they came home and announced, “I figured out who it is!”

With older kids, we can remind them that kids change a lot as they grow, so in addition to meeting new people, they may find that someone they knew before but didn’t connect with could become a good friend. Encourage them to be open to looking for friends.

How can kids make new friends?

Kids make friends by doing fun things together. What does your child enjoy doing that they could do with other kids?

It’s also useful for kids to think about how to show openness to friendship. This includes things like smiling to show we’re happy to see someone, greeting people and trying to remember their names, asking interested questions, offering sincere compliments, or doing small kindnesses…

Encourage your child to focus on kind kids who have a lot in common with them. Some kids only want to be friends with the most popular kids, but if they don’t have much in common, they probably won’t become friends.

For joining a group of kids at play, research says there’s a very specific sequence: Watch, then Blend. Watch what the other kids are doing, then slide (Blend) into the action without interrupting play. So, for example, if there’s a big game of tag going on, watch to see who’s it, what the rules are, and where the boundaries of the game are, and then start running around.

With older kids, where it’s more about joining the conversation than joining a game, try to match the emotional tone. If everyone is complaining, add your own complaint. If everyone is excited about something, ask interested questions or express your own enthusiasm.

The single best thing kids can do to deepen their friendships is to have one-on-one get-togethers. Kids are often reluctant to do this because they say they don’t know the other kid that well. That’s backward! We’ll only get to know them well by spending time with them.

(If you’re looking for picture books on making new friends, check out my post about that here.)

How do we help kids who worry about keeping up academically?

Wherever our kids (or we!) are now is just a dot in time. If they keep going—keep practicing, learning, and getting feedback—they will definitely improve.

Sometimes it can help to be our kids’ biased biographer. Tell stories about times when your child struggled and then triumphed. “I remember when you were first learning to ride your bike, and you fell and fell and fell, but now look at you, zipping around!” Genuine stories like these can help kids find the courage to keep going.

It might also help to remind struggling kids that they are not alone in this undertaking. See if your child can list all the people who can help if needed.

How can adults help encourage kids who don’t like school?

Transitions are hard. Sometimes a reluctance to go to school is about feeling sad about letting go of fun home activities or wishing there had been time to do even more.

Trying to convince kids that they’ll love school will just make them argue harder that they won’t. Instead, acknowledge their feelings of loss, worry, or even dread.

Keep reflecting on your child’s feelings until you see a softening in their face and body. Then, instead of offering reassurance, ask your child questions such as “What do you think might help?” or “What could make going to school just a little bit easier?” Kids are more invested in the solutions they come up with.

How do we stay in the loop with what’s going on with kids?

Be careful to avoid what Michael Thompson calls “interviewing for pain.” If you greet your child every day after school by asking, “Was anyone mean to you today?” Your child will be on the lookout for that and come up with something to report!

We used to have a family tradition of everyone in the family reporting at dinner time about their best, worst, and kindness of the day. Little rituals like that can help you keep your finger on the pulse of what’s going on. If it’s something serious, your child or the teacher will likely tell you.

When (not if) our children struggle somehow, most of the time, rather than trying to solve the problem, our job is to offer comfort and empathy and then to ask good questions to help them come up with options for moving forward.

These books are great as handy reference guides to help navigate situations around feelings and friendships that will undoubtedly come up as your kids become more social. The books are easy to read for kids but if your kid is younger than 8, I’d probably recommend reading with them to confirm their comprehension of the material.

Even though they are geared toward kids, I honestly think these books are helpful for navigating adult situations as well! Largely because they do an incredible job of setting the foundation for how we manage our feelings and our friendships. If you go (or have ever gone), to therapy, you know that so much of the hard work is uncovering the patterns we fall into. These books are essential in helping us make sure we have a strong foundation of healthy ways to engage with friends from the start.

Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions about Friends and Other Kids

Written by Eileen Kennedy-Moore and Christine McLaughlin; Illustrated by Beyond Words

Recommended Ages: 6-12 years old

NOTE: This book was gifted and I loved it so much that I bought a hard copy for myself

This newly released book starts brilliantly: there’s a beautiful graphic explaining how events can cause thoughts and feelings that influence the way we act and react. It’s a simple way to illustrate how the cycle works and how we can control our actions instead of letting emotions and intrusive thoughts get the best of us in our friendships. The second thing that I loved is the way the book is structured. Broken into three groupings of emotions (anxiety, anger, and sadness), each section then breaks down into chapters of common friendship situations that arise. Each chapter has cute cartoon illustrations of a specific, common issue and then goes into figuring out ways to overcome it. There are even helpful scripts to illustrate how to communicate and caveats around behaviors that can be excessive (e.g. a kid can do something nice as a token of friendship but giving away your favorite toy is not the right way to go about it). It also portrays a realistic view of friendship—sometimes people change or are not the type of people we want to befriend and that’s completely fine. As I noted before, this is a great book to have on hand as a reference book to navigate issues as they arise.

Buy now*

Growing Friendships: A Kids' Guide to Making and Keeping Friends

Written by Eileen Kennedy-Moore and Christine McLaughlin; Illustrated by Beyond Words

Recommended Ages: 6-12 years old

NOTE: This book was gifted and I loved it so much that I bought a hard copy for myself

Like Growing Feelings (reviewed above), I recommend this as a reference guide to flip through to talk about specific aspects of friendship. Also written for kids, I’d apply the same guidance I gave above: if your kid is younger than eight years old, you may want to read with them to make sure they really internalize the material. Unlike Growing Feelings, which focuses on friendship-related problems, this book is focused on how to make friends and keep them. In this book, there are five parts, each covering an important facet of friendship: making friends, “stepping back to keep friends", blending in, speaking up, and letting go of certain things. One of the chapters under the Speaking Up section I was most keen on was about handling bullying. The chapter does a great job of breaking down the differences between friendly teasing and bullying and strategies to approach both. A line from the section that really stood out to me:

“Telling an adult that you’re being bullied is not tattling because you’re reporting a serious and maybe even dangerous situation. You’re also standing up for your right to feel safe in your mind and in your body.”

As you can see, it addresses the realities of friendship at that age—tattling is a big no-no—but in certain situations, it’s critical to clue people in on what’s going on. I also love the emphasis on advocating for your own physical and mental safety. That’s such a big lesson we too often get taught only as adults and then it feels so uncomfortable. This book is fundamental to cementing good friendship (and relationship) behaviors that make sure our kids are treated well and are treating others well too!

Buy now*

I feel like most adults I know have said to me at some point how hard it is to make new friends or that they don’t have time to manage their friendships, so I’m curious:

What part of friendship is hardest for you?

• Making new friends

• Staying in touch or meeting up often

• Finding your friendship has changed

Share in the comments! I’ll start by sharing what I find the most challenging…

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